


Avoid, If At All Possible

by greycedetective



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Arguably Dubcon, Brotzly - Freeform, Drug Use, Love Spell, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, The Somebody Else's Problem field, guitar playing, poor music choices
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:55:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23335750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greycedetective/pseuds/greycedetective
Summary: After trading gossip with Tina about the goings on in Bergsberg, Amanda decides to use her new wand to help Dirk and Todd act on their feelings for each other.
Relationships: Farah Black & Todd Brotzman (mentioned only), Todd Brotzman & Dirk Gently, Todd Brotzman/Dirk Gently
Comments: 29
Kudos: 72





	1. Chapter 1

**_The Encyclopedia Galactica, in its chapter on Love, states that it is far too complicated to define._ **

**_The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy has this to say on the subject of Love:_ “Avoid, if at all possible.”**

\-----------------------------------

“You don’t think the cave girl from fairyland staying here is going to –”

“Eventually connect to something in some way that eventually becomes a simply _enormous_ problem? I mean, _yes_ , Todd. That’s obvious.”

“Oh.”

\------------------------------------

Amanda pulled the Apprentice’s Wand from her grey jacket. Heartbroken resignation settled over her as it twinkled. It hummed with promise and premonition, bittersweet in potential and price. It was a sparkly hiss under her fingers that even the startled laughs of the Rowdies couldn’t totally distract her from. As much as they would need its power someday soon, as much as she was willing to pay for using it, part of her still resolved to use it for something frivolous at least once. What else was even the point of being a frickin’ witchikookoo, anyway?

\------------------------------------

It was one of Tina’s favorite stories to tell, so the only surprise was that it took so long for her to relate it to Amanda on one of the many occasions everyone’s paths interconnected. During the months after the Wendimoor affair each of them chased their own leads, cases, whims, and Universal hunches. They always, not surprisingly, ended up in mostly the same place at mostly the same time. 

Sandwiched between Gripps and Rainbow on the van’s bumper, one of Amanda’s joints between her teeth, Tina laughed the smoke out through her nose. 

“I’m telling you,” she said after passing on, “it was some of the wildest shit I’ve ever seen. _Everybody_ was into it. I honestly don’t know who opened my shirt. And there the boys are, confessing everything except the most important part. So I try to prompt them, y’know, like,” deep breath, “ _I WANNA FUCK EVERYBODY HERE!_ ” 

The standing Rowdies took a synchronized step back, gravel crunching under three pairs of combat boots. Vogel covered his junk with his hands.

“Eehbuddy?” Rainbow asked hopefully, leaning in for a scrutinizing look at Tina’s face. Amanda snorted.

“No, not _now_. Then. I’m talking about at the concert, jeez. Anyway, there I was trying to give them a push to stop blubbering about being bro-FFs and, like, make the fuck out already.”

“So what happened?” Amanda asked, leaning heavily against the van with her elbows in the empty spot Rainbow had just scampered down from. Her eyes skimmed the Seattle skyline a few miles off. “Wait, wasn’t this when Todd was still with Farah?”

“Well I didn’t _know_ that. ...or maybe I did and didn’t remember? Whatever, that was when I did drugs. More drugs than I do now. So yeah, we get back to the station and there goes Todd with Farah on the couch. Which, I mean, they enjoyed. And I had my own, uh, _concerns_.” She winked theatrically.

“Where did Dirk go? Did he find someone?”

“He wouldn’t talk about it. He woke up in his underwear like the rest of us, though. _That_ I remember. His undershirt looked like velour or some shit.” 

The girls paused to process as the Rowdies and Rainbow took turns using spiked bats to line drive gravel stones into the abandoned minigolf course where they’d parked. 

\-------------------------------

It was after dark when they’d sobered up enough to drive to Springsborough. It wasn’t hard to spot Todd and Dirk through their respective windows. Neither ever thought to close a shade and their flats – while on different floors – both faced the street. Todd was picking out a tune on the new guitar Farah had bought him as a part of his back pay when her accounts had finally been unfrozen. Whatever Dirk was doing two floors down seemed to involve a lot of flailing and climbing on counters.

“So you think people can resist it if they want?” Amanda asked.

“Fuck yeah, totally. Oh! Actually, hang on, I know how to explain it. You ever been to a hypnotism show?”

“My family took us to a couple of circuses when we were kids. I think maybe a hypnotist came to perform at my elementary school once? It was a long time ago. Why?”

“Okay, so you know how they say they can’t _make_ you do something you wouldn't do?”

“Ohhhh, right, right. Like how they can make you dance like a chicken but they can’t make you murder anyone. Yeah, I remember that. I remember thinking it wouldn’t work on me because the chicken dance is seriously against my morals.”

“Yeah, like that.” Tina squinted at the building. Rainbow and the Rowdies were uncharacteristically quiet in the back of the van while the girls chatted by the side of the road. She took a deep breath of cool night air that tasted like the first drops of dew that form on freshly mowed midsummer grass. That smell — and the freedom to take whatever was on hand without getting into too much trouble — was the reason she’d signed up for more than her share of night shifts with the BPD.

“‘Cause I can’t live with myself if I roofie anyone, no matter how good the intentions. And I don’t know if I can control how big an area it’ll cover,” Amanda said.

“It was more like… like, calming. Like the worries and the judgement were gone. So it left more room for honesty. And clarity. And joy. Annnnnd maybe a little bit of horniness.”

“Just a little? That’s all it took to cause an orgy?”

“Okay, yeah, you got me there. I dunno, I guess it’s complicated. But it didn’t feel like benzos or anything. Maybe more like molly, but milder.”

Amanda studied Tina. She absently pressed the business end of the wand into her palm, brows a straight line across her face.

“Can’t the Rowdies smell fear or distress or whatever?” Tina asked.

“Shit, you’re right! Okay, good, they can keep a… nose… out for anyone in trouble.”

“We should make more use of that in the future.”

“Huh. Yeah.” Amanda shouted through the open passenger window. “Guys, can you keep a feeler out for anyone who’s afraid tonight? Just in case we need to kick any asses.”

Unhinged, delighted howls erupted from the van.

She stuck her head in to talk to Martin more directly. “Okay, so here’s the plan. Take everybody in the van and go for a drive for about twenty minutes. When you get back Tina and I will take her car because I’m sure as fuck not sticking around to see my brother get laid.”

“Sounds complicated, boss,” Martin said, shuffling up into the driver’s seat. “Can’t they just talk to each other? We can scare some sense into Icarus real quick.” Another set of Rowdy cheers rocked the back of the van.

“Nah, we’re good. And thanks for this. Dirk’s a good guy. I hate to see him pining over my asshole brother any longer.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The opening quote is hopefully recognizable as Douglas Adams’.
> 
> Rohypnol (“roofie”) is a benzodiazepine (benzo), so that’s what Tina’s getting at when she says that the love spell didn’t feel like benzos. It’s such a weird line to try to walk to show that the guys would get together given the right push without either beating it to death or omitting the idea of consent altogether. I feel like I probably erred on the side of beating it to death here, but what can ya do.
> 
> And, like, don’t do dangerous or illegal drugs, mmmkay?


	2. Chapter 2

The Epiphone Dot that Farah had gifted Todd – part of what she called “hazard backpay and restitutional music therapy” – was, albeit newer and shinier, exactly the same as his favorite guitar when he was in the Mexican Funeral, down even to the neon shade of Surge green. Back before he’d sold it for an acoustic that was far cheaper and crappier, that is. The choice had to have been Amanda’s recommendation. She would have known how much he loved that horrible green monster and that its twin would, quite fairly, remind him daily of the karmic and literal debt he still owed to his family and bandmates. She could be so goddamn thoughtful.

He’d been working his way through the catalogue of songs he’d learned in high school, weaving in and out of Green Day, Smashing Pumpkins, Depeche Mode, Radiohead, and the like for most of the day. He’d veered into Morrisette and Etheridge territory when he was hangry from skipping lunch. Now, fed and relaxed, his fingers wrapped around _Black Hole Sun_. 

Playing opened up the part of Todd’s brain that probably also housed whatever switched on when people meditated. Like walking zen, playing kept his body busy enough to let his mind drift unanchored, unaware of time or environment. His own pieces required too much hyperawareness: he’d spend the whole time cringing at how they sounded a decade and a half after he’d written them. So instead he turned to the songs he’d played hundreds (thousands?) of times when he was first learning. That meant that Todd was finally able to consolidate and ponder the nonstop madness, shock, and panic his life had become since he’d first met Dirk. 

He wouldn’t trade it. Not ever. 

All the same, it was good to decompress, he thought, eliding into _Ordinary World_. Todd chuckled once under his breath. Dirk _was_ very Duran Duran, come to think of it. Anachronistic, a bit flash, yet ultimately elegant. Maybe more than just a little bit sexy besides.

Better not to dwell on that, though. Dirk’s life was crazy enough without adding the dimension of Todd’s crush to it. These things usually passed after a few months anyway. Or years. Time would tell, Todd supposed. In the meantime he would go on playing his feelings.

\--------------------

Dirk Gently felt uncertain of nearly everything as often as possible. Those moments when he _did_ feel certain, he’d found, were the ones that led him into chaos or danger. He’d therefore made a rule of having no idea what was going on whenever he could. It was just good sense, really. So when music drifted in through his flat window starting around mid-morning, he did his best to steadfastly ignore it much in the same way one intentionally overlooks old leftovers at the back of the fridge. The trick was simply to pretend it was Somebody Else’s Problem.

By late afternoon he was losing the willpower to keep up the SEP forcefield. The melodies had poked at the edges of his awareness, sniffed, growled a bit, and – when his attention wouldn’t be stirred – resorted to tugging with playful aggression until Dirk had no choice but to acknowledge its beauty.

No, actually, it wasn’t beautiful. It was angry and melancholy. The notes only come through in scattered clumps of cranky, discordant sound. What made the music wonderful was that it had to be coming from Todd.

Beautiful, brilliant, unpredictably shouty Todd. 

Todd, who was warmth, light, and loyalty. Todd, his best assis-friend in the entire world. His _first_ assis-friend. The person in his life he counted on to feel fury and regret in all their intensity so that he would never have to break the seal on his own anger. 

Once he’d landed on the knowledge that Todd was the source of the music, Dirk felt _certain_ that he had to hear more. 

Two and a half hours later Dirk was nearly finished testing every square meter of his apartment for the best acoustics. It seemed the sound was clearest when he was standing on the kitchen counters or the back of the sofa, posing several problems related to coordination and sustainability. Not that he wouldn’t stand on the backrest of a sofa for Todd. But there ought to be an easier way. He hopped down into a sitting position to think.

Borrow a stepladder from the super? _No._

Ask around in case anyone in the building had an old-timey ear horn? _Not likely._

Text Todd to see if he’d be kind enough to lie on the floor and play into the carpet? _Best not_.

No, the only solution was to go up there.

~~~~~~~~~

Dirk stopped two meters short of Todd’s door. He would’ve liked to say it was because he’d thought better of barging in uninvited, but in truth that wouldn’t occur to him until several days later. The reality in the moment was that the music had grabbed hold of his heart and twisted in two directions like an old dishrag being wrung out.

Dirk was fairly sure Todd hadn’t been singing until just now. At least, he hadn’t heard any of the strident yelling he’d come to accept as Todd’s “singing” whenever Todd was in charge of the roadtrip playlist. At those times it took a great deal of resolve to stop Dirk from flinging himself out the car window or driving intentionally into a ditch.

This wasn’t like that at _all_. This was ear sex and no two ways about it.

**_My world’s on fire, no one can save me but you_ **

**_Strange what desire can make foolish people do_ **

**_I’d never dreamed that I’d meet somebody like you_ **

**_I’d never dreamed that I’d love somebody like you_ **

**_No, I don’t wanna fall in love_ **

**_No, I don’t wanna fall in love_ **

**_With you_ **

While searing awe wrenched his mind in one direction, freezing jealousy twisted the opposite way. All the times he’d forced his thoughts away from Todd, all the shared moments and sidelong glances, all the fake, fizzy energy Dirk had drawn on all these months to avoid loving Todd – there it all was. It was packed into Todd’s voice. Whatever Dirk hadn’t let himself feel since they’d met, Todd was now … god, there really wasn’t any other word for it … _crooning_ to an empty room.

It’s not that Todd and Farah had made any secret of their relationship or of how they’d stopped being involved after Wendimoor. The secret was why they’d split in the first place. Neither would talk about it beyond a few words and a shrug. After a few weeks Dirk had stopped asking. He figured it was something painful they didn’t wish to discuss, so he’d tucked it behind the SEP shield and let it be. What he _hadn’t_ figured on was that Todd wasn’t over Farah. _That's_ why Todd was singing a song with a frankly appalling rhyme scheme all by himself at night.

**_What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way_ **

**_What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you_ **

**_What a wicked thing to say, you’ve never felt this way_ **

**_What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you_ **

**_No, I don’t wanna fall in love_ **

**_No, I don’t wanna fall in love_ **

**_With you_ **

The longer Dirk stood there, the more his heart leaked out into his shoes. It oozed into the floor, pasting him to the spot. The world felt very, very far away – the way it had those long years in Black Wing – as if he were peering into a backward telescope. His neck lacked the strength to hold his head up properly, leaving it to loll slightly to the side. He breathed in through his mouth, a deep draw of air that felt like cheap kitchen paper on his tongue. _This can’t be heartbreak_ , some small voice echoed down the long hallway of his mind. _This is heart numbness_. 

_Either way_ , a second thought answered from the other side of the chasm, _it’s horrible_.

**_Nobody loves no one…_ **

The last line of the song fell across Dirk’s dulled awareness at the same time that a velvety, sparkly, full-drag-and-sequins, pink champagne, Rock-Hudson-patting-a-mini-pony-bedecked-in-streamers (the pony, not Rock Hudson), come-to-think-of-it-actually-Rock-Hudson-also-in-streamers-please kind of _YES!_ deluged over him. 

Todd’s playing – as if reading Dirk’s frothy, glowing mind – became peppy and joyful. It was bubbles and puppies and jazzercise. The song sprinted through notes. Dirk’s thoughts raced and yelped alongside until a plan leapt joyfully into being. He was going to _fix_ things. He was going to make Todd happier than he’d _ever_ been. It was going to be _perfect_. 

The Plan propelled Dirk down the hall. Todd was singing again, the lyrics not totally penetrating the spastic jittering of Dirk’s thoughts.

****

**_Somewhere after midnight_ **

**_In my wildest fantasy_ **

**_Somewhere just beyond my reach_ **

**_There’s someone reaching back for me_ **

**_Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat –_ **

“Todd!” Dirk fairly shouted as he swept through the door to Todd’s flat. “Listen, I’ve got it all figured out. I’m going to help you win Farah back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The inspiration for this chapter was a playlist of Yoni Schlesinger playing various covers. I don’t know if I envision Todd as being nearly so talented, though Dirk would certainly think so. The first two fit, lyrically, with the sort of surreal dream-state / life turning upside-down themes of the show. 'Wicked Game,' by comparison, is kinda corny and obvious as seduction songs go. But the way it caught me off guard on the playlist while my mind was on other things was something I wanted to capture for Dirk – the way he sort of runs into a scenario and ends up on the back foot when something unexpected-but-fitting comes along. (I did rearrange the lyrics just a little to fit the scene better, so I hope you can forgive creative license there.)
> 
> Black Hole Sun: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1sGj8hyynA4  
> Ordinary World: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aL7VA8-EXNE  
> Wicked Game: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=chPjiyonxeY 
> 
> I thought for sure this was going to be a three-chapter story, but an idea blindsided me that is too big to jam into this little musical vignette. So it’s gonna be four chapters (really really) (probably) instead. (I hope.)
> 
> The SEP field is, of course, from Life, The Universe, and Everything.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s been way too long getting this chapter put together. My mental health did a Thing (don’t all writers say that sooner or later?) so I didn’t even go near the computer for almost two weeks. Thanks for your patience.

Todd couldn’t recall the last time he’d heard _Wicked Game_ , let alone played it. Surely it was a decade or more. It was haltingly rusty at the start. He'd learned it in high school, like most of his rote repertoire. Back when he was “young and fullashit,” as his dad’s aunt had liked to say.

Or was it “young and _foolish yet_ ”? 

At any rate, he’d picked up the song when it was still new enough to be sexy and cool. The music video had been a favorite of his from the start. He didn't love it for the vacant-eyed, bored supermodel that all his friends had obsessed over in those days before internet porn, though. In his heart of hearts, he had loved it for the black and white shots of Chris Isaak in a pristine singlet. It had clinched for him what had become a nagging suspicion: that his interest in other guys’ bodies wasn’t merely jealousy or curiosity but something deep, forever, and luscious. The way the singer looked directly into the camera had made Todd so nervous and fluttery that he still remembered it with perfect clarity more than a quarter-century later. It was his first inkling that attraction, for him at least, would always be stronger and more fulfilling when reciprocated. 

“If you’re bored then you’re boring,” as Harvey Danger had put it.

The vibration of the guitar in his hands, the nostalgia of those first pangs of teenage desire, the hum of his voice over his vocal chords and lips, the thrill of hitting the notes just right… it all shimmered inside Todd in a way that made him feel powerful, buzzed, and inflamed. He pictured Dirk sitting on the opposite couch listening to him play, lower lip between his teeth, a deep flush running across his cheeks and peeking out from the dip of his collar.

Better yet, Dirk in the immaculate white vest from the music video, toned arms slack at his sides, eyes hooded with the stunned hunger that Todd had seen in too many fans but not enough crushes. Todd’s mind drifted freely into the fantasy. Dirk on the shore, stark in monochrome, hair slicked back with seawater. Todd pushing down the edge of his own boxers to show Dirk just the edge of his hipbone until Dirk’s pupils blew wide. In his mental music video he was in control. He was able to draw Dirk out of his awkwardness and into a place where Todd was sure Dirk wanted him. His mind’s eye roved over a Dream Dirk that was as lithe as he was gentle.

Todd shook his head, wrapping up the song before it took him too far down a one-way road.

Then the final line struck him sideways.

**_Nobody loves no one._ **

Who did Dirk love? _Did_ he love? It was hard to imagine, Dirk in love with anyone. _Real_ Dirk, anyway. Dream Dirk – _F_ _antasy_ Dirk – was less of a whirlwind, more of a warm breeze. Dream Dirk was spiced syrup, thick and heady on Todd’s tongue. Real Dirk was powdered fruit punch. 

Todd blew a bittersweet snort through his nose. Maybe just for tonight he’d indulge himself with thoughts of Dream Dirk: a hero who’d swept into his life, turned it to uptempo chaos, and had fallen in love with him. A fairy-tale Dirk who defeated monsters and still had energy left over for a happily ever after. 

Or at least a happy ending.

Todd rolled his eyes at himself.

The giddiness that settled over him when he thought of Dirk loving him back dislodged an upbeat, prancing, bubbly tune from deep in his memory. He started to play. 

(She would never admit it now, of course, but Amanda had gone through an '80s pop phase. Todd had learned some Bonnie Tyler and Blondie to play for her. The pace challenged him and – best of all – made her happy.)

He drifted back into his daydream with Dirk center stage.

**_Isn’t there a white knight upon a fiery steed?_ **

**_Late at night I toss and I turn and I dream of what I need_ **

Todd couldn’t control the goofy grin that took over his face when he pictured how Dirk would look if he could hear him playing something like this. Hell, maybe that was incentive to sing louder. Anything felt possible. _Everything_ felt possible. Todd was lightheaded. Light _hearted_. His concerns momentarily gone, the notes spilled through his guitar and out into the air in a sparkly pink fog.

**_He’s gotta be sure_ **

**_And it’s gotta be soon_ **

**_And he’s gotta be larger than life_ **

Dirk panting, sweating. Dirk debauched and rumpled, shirt hitched up and boxers shoved down. Those perfect lips red, kiss-bitten, and glistening. Dirk moaning, desperate for his touch. Todd didn’t shy away from the fantasy for once. He let the images play over his mind and over his body in a way he’d never indulged before. Didn’t avoid it, didn’t distract himself, just let the peppy lyrics blaze through him.

**_Out where the mountains meet the heavens above_ **

**_And where the lightning splits the sea_ **

**_I could swear there is someone, somewhere_ **

**_Watching me_ **

**_Through the wind and the chill and rain_ **

**_Through the storm and the flood_ **

**_I can feel his approach like a fire in my blood_ **

Todd almost felt high. The room had shifted, somehow. He thought he really could feel Dirk just on the other side of the door. An electric shiver ran down his body. 

**_Somewhere after midnight_ **

**_In my wildest fantasy_ **

**_Somewhere just beyond my reach_ **

**_There’s someone reaching back for me_ **

**_Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat –_ **

“Todd!” Dirk fairly shouted as he swept through the front door. “Listen, I’ve got it all figured out. I’m going to help you win Farah back.”

Todd dropped his guitar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They say write what you know. For me, the Wicked Game music video really was the first time I realized I was Probably Some Kind of Queer-ish Identity, though it would take many more years to nail down the specifics. I'd love to think Todd had an easier time sorting it all out.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had the hardest time getting into this chapter. I couldn’t find their voices, they wouldn’t tell me what happened next, none of the playlists I put together jived.
> 
> Weird Al solved it for me, y’all. He lifted my heart to the playfulness that I feel like is the soul of Adams’ works. So if you ever find yourself in a funk, let me recommend making a playlist of a few dozen Weird Al songs. Super mood booster, no joke.

“You’ve dropped your guitar.”

“You broke into my apartment. _Again_.”

“I didn’t break anything, Todd, I _walked in_.It was open.Besides, you aren’t listening.I’m going to solve your problem.”

Todd heaved himself off the couch for the first time in hours. He gathered the guitar from the floor, checking nothing had come loose or knocked out of place.He couldn’t quite work up to a meaningful glare.Dirk was a vision in a black dress shirt, sleeves rolled to mid forearm, tieless collar open two buttons to accentuate his long neck. A calm that was both familiar and jarring settled over Todd.Something clicked into place that had always been just a little off center.

“You’re stunning,” he said.It came out so simply that he startled himself with it.

“You haven’t even bothered to ask the details of my _brilliant_ plan,” Dirk said. 

_Christ_ , was he actually _bouncing_? “I don’t care about your plan.”

“Rude, considering I’ve come all the way up here to tell you how I’m going to change your life for the better.”

Todd stood.He walked over to Dirk and put two steadying hands on his arms.“I told you in Bergsberg, you already did.”

Dirk opened his mouth.

Todd put a finger over it. “Shut up for a second,” he said.

Todd giggled at Dirk’s affronted pucker. 

———————————

The urge to lick Todd’s finger was nearly impossible to resist.Although he was by nature an impulsive person, licking one’s assis-friend without invitation is, at best, impolite. Dirk gave what he hoped was a convincing look of reproach. 

Todd _laughed_.

Whatever it was that was different about Life, the Universe, and Everything at the moment, though, caused him to burble over with heat and joy at Todd’s smile.Caught up in the delight of being here with him, on a night aglow with possibility, made his heart feel sparkly and buoyant. Like the first days of falling in love.

Something nagged at the edge of Dirk’s awareness.He avoided looking at it. _Not my problem_.

“You need to know that I think you’re wonderful,” Todd said. He removed his finger from Dirk’s lips. Dirk ran his tongue over his lower lip without being aware of it.

“Well, _thank you_ , Todd, that’s a lovely thing to say. I think you’re wonderful also.”

“I mean it.You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“Likewise.Now, here’s the thing.”Dirk took a deep breath, barreling on past Todd’s attempt to interrupt.“ _I_ think that all Farah needs is to be reminded of how simply _amazing_ you are.Not sure why she forgot it in the first place, actually. You never said why you broke up.But I’ve landed on just the thing.I’m _certain_ she still loves you, so all we need is for Amanda to cast a lo— oh. _Oh._ ” 

_This is very much my problem_. 

“A …low?”

“Nothing, never mind.Uh, just, erm…just stay.Right here.Will you?I’ve remembered a phone call I need to make. Forgot to, ah. There was a thing. With the…” his eyes darted around at random, “ducks. At the… pond?This morning, you see, and I have to let the parks commissioner know _straight away_ but it slipped my mind earlier so I _must_ go call right this second. Be back before you know it.” He tried to bolt for the door.

Todd grabbed Dirk’s arm.“Dirk!C’mon man, I’m trying to tell you something here.”

“Yes, I fear that might be the case but you _really_ must let me make my call first.”

“I don’t want to get back together with Farah. She’s great, I mean. Y’know? But she’s not right for me.”

“Todd.I _will_ come back. It’s just that this is _rather_ urgent.”

“Dirk.”Todd’s expression was soft. His face was so gentle and sweet that Dirk’s heart wouldn’t let him move. Todd slid his hand down Dirk’s arm, taking his hand into his own. His voice lost its usual strident edge. “ _Dirk._ You changed my life, man.You’re insane —“

Dirk’s eyebrows did a thing.

“— _and_ , you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.I try not to think about it much because I don’t want to make our lives any more crazy than they already are. It’s just that —”

 _“_ IthinkAmandacastalovespellnearbyandIneedtocallhertotellhertoturnitoff so _please_ don’t say anything you’re going to regret,” Dirk blurted. He took a giant breath in that hitched into the hint of a gasp at the end.

Everything was readable on Todd’s face.Disbelief. Stunned recognition. Something that wasn’t exactly anger.Then, finally, acceptance that was both compassionate and demure.He had such intensely expressive eyes, Dirk thought. So blue and deep.

“Oh,” Todd said. 

Dirk’s expectations hiccuped.He was prepared for shouting.Todd didn’t sound angry, though.He didn’t sound disappointed. He sounded matter-of-factly, plainly… okay. Actually.

Todd slid his hands back up Dirk’s arms, caressing as he went, settling one on each shoulder.He leaned into Dirk’s space, chin lifted, stopping with his lips parted slightly just centimeters away from Dirk’s face. His eyelashes stood out against his cheeks as his eyes focused on Dirk’s mouth. He blinked lazily.

For a moment, nothing happened.Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen.

A whole lot went on for Dirk in those nothing seconds.All the Todd Things he had stowed in the Somebody Else’s Problem bin quaked into his consciousness.Delicious stares that went on too long.Casual touches he’d longed to linger on.Sideways glances from their friends. Hell, direct questions from friends.And strangers.

And enemies, come to think of it.

Most of all, a tsunami of buried sensations crashed over him.The warmth of Todd’s skin under Dirk’s fingers as he placed them delicately on Todd’s neck. The heat low in his stomach that was seeping into his chest, tightening and tensing every muscle along the way.The way his lips tingled. Here it was, the invitation at last.Dirk’s entire body screamed _YES!_ as he closed the gap between them.

Todd’s breath ghosted across Dirk’s lips. 

At the best of times, when his mind was bright with the afterglow of solving a case, Dirk felt Real.It came only in the smallest of blinks, gone within minutes or hours, usually riding off into the smoke on the coattails of some new trauma.In those moments of Realness, though, he knew what it was to be a Person.To have the anxiety subside enough to feel his feet on the ground.To stop doubting every interaction.To feel no need to overcompensate for his Unrealness — his Leafness — with camp and feigned, melodramatic confidence. To be Real was to _associate_.

His heart grasped for that feeling now.Amid all the fuzz and shapes and colors and _YES_ , he wanted more than anything to be grounded, sober, and certain. He wanted sharp lines and film noir. The feeling couldn't resolve with his heart racing like this. The thudding in his chest became panic.He was screwing it up.This was the only chance he might ever get _to kiss Todd, for god’s sake_. Todd would surely wake up tomorrow groggy. He’d be amnesic.He’d feel violated and filthy.And he would _hate_ Dirk.Dirk would lose his first friend.His best friend.The person who’d stuck with him when nobody else ever had.

The person whose lips were so close.Whose eyes were darkening with desire as he waited for Dirk to taste him.This could be his last chance to turn back from making the biggest mistake of Todd’s life. What an ungrateful jackass he was being, to take advantage of a love spell like this.Todd would see right through it and then leave him. 

He’d be alone. All alone. And it would be his fault.Again.

Dirk lurched away, throwing himself onto the nearest sofa.He hid his face in his hands.Hot tears gathered in his sinuses, ready to burst forth if he couldn’t get his breathing under control. Todd was kneeling at his feet.He was saying something, but none of it was intelligible.Dirk’s thoughts had become needles wrapped in cotton. He held as still as he could. He tried to will the terror away.Panic gripped his chest and squeezed until his awareness was all but gone.

—————————

Through the open window, Todd could hear what could only be the battle roar of the Rowdies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The line “For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen” comes from the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. I seem to have a pathological need to include DA quotes and references everywhere. He was just so wonderful, y’know?
> 
> I can't decide whether to end it here or not. I'd originally planned this to be a really quick smut piece. I love love love the between-the-scenes fics of Dirk & Todd post-concert. This one, though, it won't resolve for me. They keep wanting to pine instead, so here we are at four chapters when I'd planned at most two. Part of me says this is a great note to close it out on: smutlessly, but with humor about to break down the door with spiked baseball bats. A different part of me wants to try to rescue the storyline from this chaotic detour.
> 
> Part of the problem, too, is that my heart keeps breaking for Sam Barnett (he lost his dad last month to COVID and didn't even get to say goodbye). I absolutely don't equate actors with their characters, not even a little. But because his face is Dirk's face and his voice is Dirk's voice, my heart aches for him every time I try to write Dirk. It'll resolve, it might just take a little while. 
> 
> Weird times we live in, eh? Brotzly fics bring me joy, though, so I'm going to try to keep plugging away either at this or another plotbunny that's crossed my path recently. Hang in there. Be well.


End file.
